He kept me hidden for this hour!!!!!

When I first experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit in 2000 I was still in high school and had so many prophecies spoken over my life by some prominent men and women of God at the many conferences and youth camps that I attended, I was so excited because I thought that everything that God had spoken to me would happen immediately. I was young, only in high school and already speaking in tongues and ready and raring to go. Little did I know that I would have to go through a process of preparation that would involve dying to my selfish dreams and ambition , When they prophecied that I would be an unshakeable woman of God I did not know that I’d be proven to be unshakeable through the amount of tragedy that I would face. I always found funeral cars terrifying especially the ones that carried the dead body but at the age of twenty I found myself riding in one to escort my little nephew’s body. I did not know that being unshakeable would result in finding myself in a mortuary/morgue at the age of twenty three and identifying and signing for my older sister’s body, I had no idea that three years later I would lose my dad before I even turned 25 and that I'd lose my mum exactly a year after my dad and in the same month!!! I didn’t know that I’d rebel against God for a season and not even want to hear the gospel preached to me. All I knew when I was baptized in the Holy Spirit was that I’d do great exploits and be mightly used by God but I did not know that I'd have to go through painful tests before God’s promise would be fulfilled and I didn’t know that some of the tests would involve me being hurt, rejected and betrayed by fellow spirit filled Christians..I did not know that some of the trials and tests I would face would result in me contemplating suicide. All I had expected were victories and people testifying that I was a woman of God; I didn’t know there would be a season when I would cry every day and every night and wish to die. I was young when the Holy Spirit came into my life, I was zealous and it seemed every church I visited or every Youth camp or whatever church gathering attended I would be singled out by the main speaker and have a prophetic word spoken into my life so I was ready to take on the devil and yet I didn’t know that I would have to deal with childhood issues that had been suppressed in my memory of rape at the age of 4, sexual abuse , rejection of my sex at birth by my mum, all I knew was that God had chosen me and I was ready to go to the frontlines. I was not yet aware that that I did not yet have what it took to step into God’s perfect plan...

And now in 2010 though I have not yet tapped into the fullness of my calling, I understand the difference between ambition and ministry and it is this: ministry is a call, not to lead but to die. Luke 9:23 carrying a cross is the only way to die to the ambition that hinders .Ambition defines ‘achievement’ as ‘well known woman or man of God and receiving praise and accolades from man’ God on the other hand says success is being Christlike.I remember zealously taking on the responsibility of leading a Youth group when I was in the Marondera Vineyard Church.I was so confident, Costa Mitchell the Overseer of The Association of the Vineyard Churches in Africa had prophecied over me and taken me under his wings after we met at Vineyard Bible Institute tutorials so there was no way I was going to fail at running the Youth Group I thought to myself. The Youth Group ran well for a while, I introduced new things, developed a relationship with the Vineyard Youth from Harare and organised outreaches to local schools like Peterhouse then all of a sudden the young people just stopped coming, I faced a lot of criticism from amongst those I led and after seeking advise from the church elders I was advised to shut the group down. My heart broke and I felt like I had failed God and yet i had been so faithful and zealous.It was then that I came to realise that I was trying to live my christian life and run the Youth Ministry on my own resource, through self effort.Now I see that God often allows failure to point us to a crucial truth:that we cannot live the Christian life on our own.

In order to develop the character of Christ in us, God provides opportunities for us to be transformed, opportunities for us to take the cross. Often these challenges take the form of offense. I am learning through a painful experience of rejection in this season that when offence comes I have the choice to pick up one of two things as illustrated by a well known evangelist. I pick up either the offense or the cross. You will know you have chosen the offense if when you look at the past, you remember clearly how people hurt you than how God delivered you...

God the Father allows offences to come because His goal for you is to become Christlike and not for you to become a Pastor, Cell leader or a Youth leader. He wants us to learn to forgive offences and use them as an opportunity to grow in love .The cross represent the perfection of love. Someone said if you don’t carry your cross you will lose your love. Only those who carry the cross will find true fulfillment.

I haven’t arrived yet, God is not quite finished with my heart but my ambition is to be Christlike ..that people will see Jesus in me and that can only be attained if I pick up my cross and leave offence and forgive those who hurt me.

Now I ask God why did the process have to be so long, I was filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues 10 years ago in High School and yet I have not really seen the fulfilment and manifestation of all the prophecies that were spoken into my life and His reply to me was

Isa 49:2 He made my tongue like a sharp sword and hid me in the palm of his hand. He made me like a sharpened arrow and hid me in his quiver.
Isa 49:3 He said to me, "You are my servant Taffy. I will display my glory through you."
Isa 49:4 But I said, "I have worked hard for nothing. I have used my strength, but I didn't accomplish anything. Yet, certainly my case is in the LORD'S hands, and my reward is with my God.

Out of the habitation of these years past and out of the dust of those years shall arise one new woman, the woman of power, a woman who is formed in the likeness of Jesus Christ-Tafadzwa Lillian Gotora --