Taffy....is a woman in love!!!

My eyes are still teary, I took an hour’s break from work and went to sit in the garden and continued to read Francine River’s Redeeming Love. God began to speak tenderly to me and I couldn’t stop weeping, How He could ever love me in my broken state I cannot fathom.The character Angel in Francine Rivers had never known what love was, the result of an unwanted pregnancy from a woman’s adulterous affair with a married man, Angel eavesdrops on her father saying that He does not want Angel but only wants her mother..Eventually her mother dies and she is sold off as a child prostitute at eight and is abused by the people who own her until Michael Hosea sees her and obeys God’s word to marry Angel despite her profession and past. The struggle for Angel to receive Michael’s love made me weep even harder because I have not been letting God love me fully…Almost like expecting God to treat me like the people who raped me , molested me as a little girl and the people who used and abused me as an adult. God tearfully looked into my eyes and I saw the love …He loves me. The King of Kings loves me, I am a Bride of Christ. He loves me, as flawed as I am. I am sorry Lord that sometimes I have fallen in love with your creation instead of you…I have looked for love in the wrong place but now I know you are my source. I have been pursuing romantic relationships and this has been keeping me from pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly. Right now I just know that I am in love!!!!!!!!

Yesterday's message at the conference was about love being one of the two keys to unlocking the Kingdom.The pastor shared from Romans 5:3-5
"3Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.
4And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of [a]character (approved faith and [b]tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] [c]joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.
5Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us. "(Amplified version)
He then exhorted us to pursue love and said that our hurts and painful experiences create a love and a compassion for other christians. Then he took us to Corinthians 13, and made us replace the word love with our names for example my name is Tafadzwa so I had to say Tafadzwa is patient, Tafadzwa is kind, etc It was an awesome revelation of how God sees me.

As for the undefined friendship with Archie its been defined...Last night I went to a conference and I got a lift from Archie. He then told me that there is someone he met and who is the one God has chosen for him. They are not yet together as she is still resisting. It was such a blow but I am grateful that God had begun preparing me for the bombshell. I am glad that God has defined our relationship and I know I am going to be blessed by the friendship because Archie edifies me and encourages me in my walk. Part of me, which of course is my flesh still thinks that we are going to be together, because our views, dreams and some experiences are identical!!!!!!!! and Archie believes in having a big family and I desire twins and he has siblings who are twins so it would have been perfect. So Tafadzwa is having to die...I want to be in that place where I can genuinely be happy for my friend and brother in Christ Archie if he does marry someone else..this is not an easy process right now though but I still want to pursue emotional purity and I know this is the first test so yeah the sand castle that I had built is being washed away....and it hurts.
I know that maintaining emotional integrity will allow the greatest amount of freedom in my friendship with Archie and other godly young men. Archie shares quite a lot with me, he really opens up a lot to me but I thank God that unlike what I have done in the past I haven’t spilled everything about my past and who I am to him . I intend to continue sharing only what is important because I intend to make that type of deep connected relationship only with the man I will marry when we are courting…so I am quite pleased with myself in that regard.

In pursuit of purity...

After having been led by the Holy Spirit, when I was picking a book from the church library...I picked"Every Woman's battle" by Shannon Ethridge & Stephen Arterburn. I have only just started reading this book but have come to realise that God wants to restore me but for Him to restore me, I need to pursue purity, not just sexually but emotionally as well. I have so much I need to let go and some mindsets that have to go. The only way women can survive the intense struggle for sexual integrity is by guarding not just our bodies, but our minds and hearts as well... So I am on a quest to be the woman that God's called me to be.I am also reading "Questions Women Ask in Private" - by Norm Wright. These books are really enlightening and I think I am going to buy my own copy of the book by Norm Wright because it touched on questions that married women have and has parenting questions and answers ..great book. Thank you God for making such rich Christian material available to me.

Its such a beautiful and exciting process being established in my identity as a woman of God and Bride of Christ. I would really want to radiate the beauty of God. In the past guys have been so drawn to me but its always been because of my looks not who I am. Its almost like all they could see was my hips and yet its every woman's desire to be desired because of who we really are and not what we look like.

I realise when I listen to God and guard my heart , I will be able to savour and enjoy friendships with godly young men without too much pressure and expectation for the friendship to lead to marriage. I realise that was the case with my new friend Archie. Even though he does have the qaulities I desire in a husband, I realise that right now Archie is my brother and I really don't wanna miss his purpose in my life..I thank you that You Lord have given me the Spirit of love, power and a sound mind. I thank you Lord that even the vain imaginations that I have of Archie and these thoughts and feeling can be taken captive to make them obey Christ. I don't want to lose focus of saviour and husband. I therefore present my body to you Lord Jesus as a living sacrifice. I desire to be a carrier of your glory Lord....I need you Holy Spirit to help me produce the fruit of the Spirit and for me to radiate the beauty of God.

I think that the phrase "guarding your heart" has a lot of inferred meaning...and some meaning that is different for different people.
As a female, I think for me it has always been something like this:
*Control your emotions and don't make decisions about a guy based on how you "feel" alone. Really look at the facts, evaluate the person on every level and make an informed decision. Female emotions are a good thing, but they can get in the way if not kept in check.
*Do not rush into any kind of relationship with the opposite sex--including a friendship. I think it's easy to find someone that you feel like you click with and then spill everything about your past and who you are. Deep, connected relationships should be saved for a relationship that is nearing marriage. Share what is important and introduce other things about yourself gradually--as long as you're straightforward and not hiding anything that you would want to know if the tables were turned.
*Pray earnestly about this person. Until you know that each of you is on the same page, do not let down your guard emotionally or physically. Overall, guarding your heart is using Godly wisdom to guide your steps in an opposite sex relationship and keeping emotions in check.

Pressing In for Breakthrough

I have never felt as close to God as I feel now, I have been so lucky to have been housemates with a praying woman, Emma helped me in so many ways...she helped activate my prayer gift of intercession, It was in the very house that I am staying in that I received a higher level of tongues..It was more of a fresh anointing.. God had revealed himself to me and making me stronger in the inner man...giving me that Kratos (greek word for strength)

But the road hasnt been easy coz then there was the love triangle ...and Emma was the one chosen and i struggled with resentment towards her and yet she was being so good and yet now I donno if its all in my head but I feel as if she sizes me up and wants to compete with me...and i feel like she looks down upon me spiritually and otherwise...I know this might be me Lord so O pray that you would shower me with your love...that I would be so saturated with your love that however people choose to treat me or look at me doesnt change how you feel about me...

On the other hand my friendship with Archie is still undefined. He doesn't call as often I would want etc but hey for now Archie is my brother..I need to be more accountable to my gals and also just to guard my heart. He did make an effort last week to see me...He wanted to visit me at the house but I wasnt home...Then sometimes I'll send him a text message and it takes him like two days to reply!!!! well I sent him a message on Sunday and he only replied this Morning...two days later...but I am glad we are friends.

I have come to realise that I do not have a mentor and accountability partners...and I need to realign myself again and renegotiate some covenant relationships..and I have been getting Diana's name and even Eve Wazara's name . I am going to pray for wisdom, insight and instructions for renegotiating all covenant relationships

Lord I must decrease and you must increase.. I am desperate for more love and more power.. I pray that as I go on this absolute fast ....that my flesh would die so that the inner man would live out through me.. Lord, my prayer is that You will become an even greater reality in my life and that the things I have to deal with will grow strangely dim, in the light of Your glory.

I DECREE AND DECLARE, THAT I TAFADZWA L.GOTORA WILL EXPERIENCE NEW:
HOPE
JOY
PEACE
FRIENDSHIPS
POWER
OPPORTUNITIES FOR:
PROSPERITY
BUSINESS, MINISTRY, ETC.
DIRECTIONS
A NEW MINDSET
PARADIGM
COMMITMENT
ANOINTING
MANTLE
LIFE
HEALTH
BODY
WORSHIP ENCOUNTERS
LEVEL OF GIVING
MINISTRY

Tribute to my cousin Thabani

Last Wednesday the 21st of May, My cousin went to be with the Lord. It was so sudden and no one in the family had been psychologically prepared for his death so it was hard. Best words to describe Thabani would have been gentle giant...He carried an air of authority about him and yet had a warm smile that had a way of putting us all at ease...

During my wild clubbing days, Thabani always made sure my crew and I got in for free, He made sure we had drinks and made sure that we got home safely. Thabani was fun loving but in the midst of it all he would look after everyone.. My heart goes out to his 23 year old widow and his 3 year old daughhter Mpho and his two year old son Tanaka...they look so much like him. My heart also aches for Thabani's younger brother Tazorodzwa who's 20. Thabani and Tazorodzwa's mum passed away 7 years ago and she was a single mum so Thabani was all Taz had...In his eulogy Taz described Thabani as the gift that their mum left for Taz..

Rest in peace my cousin my friend...Thank you for embracing me and loving me ...

Archie...my new friend

Two days ago I met up with Archie. Archie is a guy I met through friends on the 22nd of December 2006. We were sitting with the same group of friends and we chatted for a while...and then Dakarai came along and I immediately switched from Archie to Dakarai..that in a way was a bad decision which I later regretted after realising that I had become another Dakarai statistic and just one of his trophy collection. I remember saying to my friend I " I should have just continued talking to Archie and never spoke to Dakarai coz I could tell Archie was a nice guy."

To cut a long story short...I never saw Archie again..until his sister added me as a friend on facebook and then my friend told me that the girl I had accepted as a friend was Archie's sister.. so I added him and we started talking again...and so May the 14th 2008 was our second meeting since December 2006.

So the meeting was profound in that we were so comfortable and talking about God, our callings and where God is taking us. He picked me up from work and we went to my pad and we watched a sermon on dvd by Dr. Mensa Otabil when He was speaking into the Zimbabwe situation and how God was raising up young Davids to slay this giant problem in Zimbabwe. After we watched the dvd we just chatted and he left.

Before I went to bed I got into a time of prayer and prayed in tongues for almost 2 hours then went to bed. I realise that Lord you allowed me to meet Archie because He is there to restore my confidence in Godly men since I had developed a disdain for them after several terrible experiences with them. For me Archie represents a real man ..a man of integrity... a man who's after God's heart and the fact that his passion is Men's ministry is a bonus. I don't know what the future holds but right now I intend to just savour the friendship and get to know him while I also learn from him and heal from past disappointment. I do not have high expectations ...its too early to tell, I will take each day as it comes....but I have been waiting for his call...and wow he has just sent me a text message...yay

I need to heal, I need to get over NN completely...and I need to continue to stand on the promise God made to me about how I would know my husband to me... The man I am going to marry will have these qualities...


Isaiah 11:2-3

"The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him— the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD -
and he will delight in the fear of the LORD. He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; " NIV Version

"The life-giving Spirit of God will hover over him, the Spirit that brings wisdom and understanding,The Spirit that gives direction and builds strength, the Spirit that instills knowledge and Fear-of-God.Fear-of-God will be all his joy and delight.He won't judge by appearances, won't decide on the basis of hearsay." The Message Bible version

Bitter-Sweet Process

Me.... Tafadzwa standing tall like a palm treee.. that stands tall even in a desert...roots did deeper...


The past 5/6 weeks have been a bitter and painful process and yet sweet and beautiful as well. Someone (NN) I had strong feelings for decided to get my hopes raised and then chose the other. i was devastated...I had grown so attached to him in so many ways...He had become a friend and someone who managed to make me smile...I miss our silly fights and yet He has never even bothered to call and find out if I am okay...I know he has moved on and forgotten about me but I am frustrated that I still think of him when He has moved on and is pursuing another girl.Yesterday and today I felt like sending him a message on His phone but I thank the Holy Spirit for self control...I did not do it and do not intend to. I am a closed chapter in His life and so should he. He never took the time to know me so He doesnt define me. He has affected the way i look at Christian guys.I realised that I have developed a disdain for Christian guys because of the way they treat girls...the impact of their rejection is more painful than that cozed by Non-Christian guys. It still hurts when I think all the time i caught him looking at me and i felt like it was love when our eyes met, It hurts to discover that it was just lust looking at me..It was like Amnon and Tamar in the bible..he was just plotting the day he would violate me...and then now that his lust was satisfied he won't even have anything to do with me...But like Tamar(name means palm tree)...my roots have had to dig deeper into the love of God and find the confidence, self esteem, dignity and honour that NN stole from me. Even though i have forgiven him sometimes the resentment keeps surging back then I have to remind myself that the devil is a liar.Like a palm tree I am standing tall ..I am alive ..rejection did not kill me...I am tall and towering above my adversaries...like a stately graceful queen...
Yet at the same time that I have been in pain God had been embracing me and overwhelming me with His love...I have had the most amazing experiences in the quiet place and these awesome revelations that have just made my heart melt like water...

Mother's Day....

"This is the mother-love, which is one of the most moving and unforgettable memories of our lives, the mysterious root of all growth and change; the love that means homecoming,shelter, and the long silence from which everything begins and in which everything ends." —C. G. Jung, Aspects of the Feminine

May ….No Longer the month of loss and mourning….

my darling dad 09/06/1936-04/05/2005


mum and i on her wedding.. R.I.P Mum 26/2/1945-17/5/2006


May has always been a difficult month for me..It all started on the 18th of May in 2003 When my oldest sister Sikhangele Patience died from Aids at the age of 36 leaving her two beautiful children and leaving my mum with a broken heart. I had a lost a friend and the fact that my sister was 13 years older than me mearnt that there was a maternal aspect to our relationship. I lost my prayer partner .What kept me sane was the fact that my sister was a born again and spirit filled Christian. I knew she was no longer in pain and I knew she was happy in Heaven The 4th of May 2005 ..was another painful event My father who I looked to for affirmation and validation passed away at the age of 69. My world collapsed. I was so angry…I didn’t understand and blamed God although God never left my side and yes my dad was saved. ..As if that wasn’t enough My mum died exactly a year later in the same Month of May. My beautiful mother and strongest woman of God I ever knew died on the 17th of May in 2006… My 44 year old half sister Lynn Rachel died the very day as my mum but I failed to attend her funeral because I had to organise my mum’s funeral..Lynn Rachel exuded life and verve and she always told me that she loved me...I regretted not being there for her when she requested to see me because she needed money. Instead of waiting for her I left money for her to collect. The month on May has always represented pain and loss and loneliness but no more. From 2008 onwards May will be a month of gain and joy unspeakable….I will celebrate the lives of my lost family members because I know they have become heavenly spectators cheering me on in the race of life…

I Corinthians 15:55 O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?