HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW PART FOUR (FINAL)

After everything that I faced when I had my child out of wedlock. I have learned a lot from my experience : that relatives and friends are more affectionate to you when you are independent and financially stable. It was a painful realisation. I understand what it is to have a low self esteem because you cannot even afford to take care of your child or even provide a roof over her your head and yet one is an adult. But I know what it is like to have God lift up one’s head because he did that for me over and over again. I started looking for a job when my daughter was born but God only miraculously gave me a job a month before my child turned one and yet I never lacked. God would prompt different people to meet different needs. Sometimes I had to ask, and this was the most difficult thing because I have this independent streak in me, probably because I went to boarding school when I was 8.I did not know how to ask and who to ask so I had to learn. Sometimes I swallowed my pride and asked but I didn’t always get but I know now that God was humbling my pride and self sufficiency.

I had God reach down to me in the miry clay and pick me and give me glory and double honour for my shame. A friend of mine says that I am different now, he says I am not proud or judgemental anymore but am pleasant, gracious, humble and more accommodating. He said “your walk has changed, you have a limp now like Jacob.” It’s true I have an understanding of experiencing the love of God in spite of what I did. The transformation from the conniving Jacob the deceiver and supplanter to Israel the one who contends with God is so evident in how dignified Jacob is when he stands before Pharaoh and blesses him and his knowledge and intimacy with God when he bows himself in worship upon his bed’s head in Genesis 47 when Joseph agrees to honour Israel’s request to be buried where his fathers are buried.Its exciting to read about the hero's burial that Jacob gets in Egypt, everything literary stops because a great man of God has died so he is not only mourned by his family but by a nation that he is not even part of, this is what I am talking about- this is God who has made all things new for Jacob.

Indeed God has made all things new. I have always been someone who has struggled to find acceptance. I was always striving to be loved through good deeds and achievements and yet I never got the love and acceptance I was looking for. I moved from church to church, cell group to cell group, job to job, from one unhealthy relationship to another unhealthy relationships and even in a few cases even moved from friend to friend in pursuit of love but all I kept experiencing was rejection But now that I have had God speak tenderly to me and love on me while in sin I am living in Psalm 131 now.

1 My heart is not proud, LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
2 But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

Just like in Zephaniah 3:17 the Lord has quietened me with His love, I am in awe with how he continues to love and bless me with all my imperfections and frailties

Slowly my life is beginning to piece together now, I have a job now that I love and enjoy in the ministry working at my church office. I have settled in a good church, actually I went back to Christ The Rock Ministries the church where I had my baptism of the Holy Spirit when I was still in High School. It’s in Christ The Rock where I had the first prophetic word spoken over me and where my gifting was celebrated even though I was only a teenager and that’s where my spiritual father Bishop George Chigwada is... My daughter and I have moved into our own place (it is not the most ideal neighbourhood but I know that God is working it out) and have food to eat. I can clothe, feed and provide shelter for my child now and that feel good. I lost all the post pregnancy weight and have a great slim figure and have had a few people assume that I am my daughter’s aunt because you see ‘He satisfies my mouth with good things so that my youth is renewed like the like the eagle’s. I look younger than younger women who do not even have babies!!!

In the past I always seemed to attract abusers and men who treated me like all I was worth was my looks but now even that has changed. The calibre of men who pursue me has changed for the better. Decent single godly men show interest in me and now I am like “when I wasn’t a baby mama I couldn’t even get one good Christian brother to like me but now where are all these good guys coming from?” My best friend said “they are now coming to you because you have changed; you know who you are and whose you are so you carry yourself differently.” Indeed I have come to the full knowledge that even though I am a single mum I am a daughter of a King, not just any king but the King of Kings, I am sought after and His delight is in me. The Creator is my husband; The Lord of Hosts is His name. The Holy one of Israel is my redeemer so I walk tall with my head up because He is the lifter of my head and my glory and me and the daughter “whom the Lord has given me are for signs and wonders” according to Isaiah 8:18. So until my prince comes along to share this exciting journey of life with I will continue to be a bride of Christ and a daughter of a KING because He makes all things new!!!!

Now I recall the word that God gave me after I found out that I was pregnant , He told me that the same way that everyone publicly seen my fall from grace was the same way He was going to publicly elevate me from the dust to sit with Princes! So I dream and visualise and wait expectantly to have everyone (especially those who rejoiced when I fell) see the table God has prepared for me just like it is in Psalm 126.

Psa 126:1 A Song of degrees. When the LORD turned again the captivity of Zion, we were like them that dream.
Psa 126:2 Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them.

My prayer is that when the heathen have witnessed my total restoration and elevation and have admitted that the Lord has done great things for Taffy they will also come and taste and see that the Lord is Good and that He Makes All Things New!!!

HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW PART THREE

It’s always exciting to begin a new thing, be it a new hobby, new blog or new project but the challenge lies in being able to complete it. It takes a lot more to see a project through to the end and for me when I started this new series of posts I was bubbling, I couldn’t wait to get started now it’s taking a lot more from. It’s taking a lot of self motivation and self discipline yet I must write because The Lord asked me to write.
When my delivery dates drew close I was beginning to get excited and even my child’s father was calling incessantly and taking an interest in the baby, he started to countdown to the delivery date and would send a countdown text message daily so I started to thank God. You see I had asked God that if it were possible I wanted my baby to be born in a loving atmosphere where even if her dad and I were not together, but were we would at least both be excited about her arrival and that’s exactly what God did and for that I am grateful.

I went past the due date and began to panic but I prayed a lot and when the labour pains started I was in pain for nearly two days. I started to experience complications and before I knew it , it was a critical case because my baby’s heartbeat was getting slower and I saw the look of worry on my gynaecologist’s face and I asked what was wrong and I was told that my baby was in distress and so I need an emergency Caesarean operation. I was so frightened when I was told my baby’s heartbeat was slow and that  the foetal monitor was picking up feint heartbeats so I prayed and bargained with God. I pleaded with God that He intervene and not let my baby die. The operation was successful and I heard the surgeon say that she was happy that there had been no bleeding. I smiled because I had been suffering from anaemia and low blood pressure so I feared that I might need a blood transfusion if I had an operation but God was faithful. My miracle baby arrived on the 12th of February at 4am on a Saturday morning weighing 3kg. She was placed beside me just after she was cleaned up and I was fascinated by her wandering and inquisitive eyes looking around as though she could really see and I fell in love. She immediately began to suckle and I was fascinated because I did not show her, she just knew or maybe she smelt the milk. I was in awe of the miracle of life and immediately I knew this was not an ordinary baby I had received from God.

On the third day I began to experience what they call the third day blues and found myself a little teary. What I did not know was that my baby had been affected by the amniotic fluid which had been contaminated by the stool (meconium) that she had passed whilst in my womb during labour, My daughter had drunk the contaminated amniotic fluid and so it was now making her sick and I had no idea until she started screaming and before I knew it the nurses checked her temperature and said it was too high and immediately my baby was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and I was heartbroken that after three days of being held in my arms my daughter would be alone and only have access to me during short stipulated times. I was so overwhelmed that I just kept crying. My baby was also traumatised by the sudden turn of events since she would cry and cry and the nurses would be too busy to pick her up so each time I came into NICU for feeds my heart broke even more. The two weeks that my daughter was in NICU taught me a lot about life, about God and about myself. I prayed like I had never prayed for. I thought about all the hardships and the condemnation and rejection I had experienced while carrying my baby and I knew I needed to stand and fight for my miracle baby’s destiny...but my daughter Nyasha did all the fighting, she bravely fought Neonatal Sepsis and was finally discharged and we went home.

After we left the Hospital people were very gracious to us and we never lacked. God would then begin to restore me as I started fighting to be back in His presence. God began to strengthen and work on my inner man and I grew stronger in Him. There were times I was frustrated when no jobs would come up but He kept me and my baby going and always provided for us. I knew it was a matter of time before God would begin to restore all to me and I held on to my faith

HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW PART TWO

When it suddenly dawned on me that I could be with child, I had missed my period and was suffering from severe headaches. I gathered up the courage to buy a pregnancy test kit. Even though I had taken the morning after pill after conception. I felt like I was pregnant. I resolved to contact the would be father of my child and he at first seemed happy and even casually joked about it. After I had taken the test however I told him the good news and was surprised to hear him ask me what the way forward was. I told him that abortion was not an option and his answer was that he was not in a good financial position so abortion was the only solution!!! We exchanged words and parted ways and he told me point blank that I was on my own. He would later on continue to send me text messages demanding that I abort because I would not make a competent mother and would not stop texting me.I realise it was a tactic to put me under pressure so that I could give in and abort or at least miscarry.



The realisation that I was going to be on my own started to sink in when I went for my first appointment and for the ultrasound alone without anyone to share the joy with. The stress was really getting to me. I was losing my temper at work and just not in a good place. It was after one outburst at a senior member of staff in the ministry where I was volunteering that God began to disarm me so that He could embrace me and tell me that it was well.. My boss and the senior member of staff sat me down and expressed that my outburst at my superior was so out of my character and that when it occurred it did not infuriate them but actually made them realise that I was going through something. I broke down and told them my predicament, that I was pregnant and alone and now trying to find a job in the corporate sector. My boss and this superior were so supportive and yet I was at a place where I was struggling to receive love. I guess deep down I felt like I didn’t deserve the support and love.
I then set about trying to rectify my mistake and met with my pastors and apologised to them. I apologised to the people who had poured themselves out into me and invested time in helping me grown in Christ.



I thought of the opportunities that had been availed to me to have fellowship with some phenomenal men and women, many of whom had spoken into my life. I thought of people like my best friend Saru not only believed in me as a friend but even as a woman of God. When I thought of all the people who had rooted for me I felt like I had really let many down, some even broke down in front of me when I told them the news. One sister in Christ told me that she cried for days.
I thought of the little girls who used to come and hug me after church and tell me that they loved it when I did announcements in church and how they also wanted to be like me. I thought of the people I had led to Christ and many whose destinies I had wrestled for and felt so bad. I wondered what people would say, and it even made me more angry that this pregnancy issue was going to vindicate the so called brother-in –Christ who had not only led me on and later on rejected me but had ruined my reputation and had stripped me of the little self esteem that I had left. I thought of the prophetic words that had been spoken into my life and how my situation was contrary to what God had said.



I then announced my intention to leave the ministry job so that I could start looking for a job in the corporate sector. I was determined to get a job as soon as possible so that I could start preparing for my baby. But little did I know what lay ahead. I was to spend the entire nine month alone and jobless. After leaving the job at the ministry I could no longer even afford to go to church and yet I craved fellowship but no one followed up on me. I do not know why people from the church that I served so faithfully never followed up on me but I do understand that God wanted to isolate me so that I could be alone with Him. The fact that my parents were both dead made the pregnancy issue even more difficult but I soldiered on though they were times I really felt I could not go on and up to know I don’t know what kept me going but GRACE .I was still standing but I was broken, I was still standing and I was crying myself to sleep at night, I was standing but I was empty and everything around me was dead all except for the life I was carrying... I could not even afford a meal and could not even afford to pay for my accommodation but only grace kept me going. .. God would raise up a few people who would take me in and provide for me during my pregnancy. These people did the best they could to make sure that I was okay. Some made huge financial sacrifices to assist me and my prayer is that God would remember their sacrifice....I started to attend a small church where the young Pastor and his wife were so gracious and accommodating, they were so supportive and provided a safe place to heal. God had begun to turn the valley of trouble I was in (Achor Valley) into a door of hope!!!He had begun to pick me up from the ashes and rubbles of my dreams and begun to make all things new.

Hos 2:14 Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her.
Hos 2:15 And I will give her her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor for a door of hope: and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, and as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt

HE MAKES ALL THINGS NEW PART 1

Rev 21:5 And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful

I am so nervous about this post for some reason, I almost feel as if I am a first time blogger and yet I have written so many posts over the years. Why I am so semi-nervous and excited at the same time is because just like in Revelations 21:5 He has made all things new...and the Lord has made all things new in my life, in my relationship with Him and in every way so He said to me through different people

Taffy write.....

I took heed and started to write this post because like He said, these words are true and faithful. I am a living witness that those words are true. ..My life is a testimony and once again I find myself quoting yet another scripture.

1Jn 1:1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of life; 1Jn 1:4 And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full.

So like the disciple John I am writing to share with you what I have heard, what I have seen and what I have touched and I write to you so that your joy may be full. In June 2010 I fell from grace and found myself pregnant out of wedlock. To many I was an inspiration. I was part of the volunteer staff of a mega church and loved the job. I was up and coming in ministry and was part of the Young Adults Ministry leadership of my church ,I had sat at the feet of many powerful men and women of God and had direct access to many of them because I seemed to always find favour in the eyes of these iconic leaders. My blog was being followed by many people and I was getting encouraging feedback in my mailbox. To an outsider it might have seemed like I was thriving. What the world didn’t know was that I was hurting, crying out for love and searching for significance and not really finding it even in the church! The cycle of rejection that had tormented me from birth had just dealt me a hard blow. A fellow Christian brother had hurt me badly and me being the defensive one sought justice but in the process of trying to seek justice I was let down and aspersions were cast on my character...I was devastated and wondered if I would ever be loved. I wondered what was wrong with me, I wondered what I was doing wrong after all I was practising celibacy, had a left a well paying job to go and volunteer in the ministry and I was serving in the church and even blogging for Christ? Clearly I was trying to do everything right I thought to myself? It was at this time of vulnerability that I met the man who would become the father of my miracle child. He was not saved and yet so attentive and fed my already bruised ego by paying me a lot of attention and before I knew it he had grown on me...Being spirit filled I could not continue with the relationship any longer because the Holy Spirit convicted so I stopped seeing him. What I did not know when I broke it off with this unsaved guy was that I was carrying a child... I confessed my sin to God and asked for forgiveness and even broke off soul ties with this guy and was even now more determined to pursue God’s will...not knowing that my life was about to change. I was about to be taken into the wilderness in order to be humbled and tested. I was about to walk the loneliest journey in my life where I would be isolated from everyone and have nowhere else to look for help but up to God. I was about to endure judgement and bear the reproach of an unwed mother and I had no idea!!!I was about to be stripped off all that I placed my identity in and about to be left alone...to be with the Lord.