SURRENDERING ALL

Two nights ago  I decided to listen to the new songs that had been saved onto my laptop by a teenage girl from my church.  I immediately went for the Hillsong track entitled  ‘I surrender ‘ from their 2012 DVD  album ‘Cornerstone.’   The moment  I started listening to the song and began to worship God, tears filled my eyes and I began to sob as I began to lay down my defences once again before God.  I wept before Him and I told Him that I was laying it all down for the relationship I have with Him.   You see, for a long time I had gotten so focused on getting married.  The desire to get married in me had begun to far outweigh the desire and passion for God. And not to mention that I have been going through some tough circumstances.

And this is how it happened. I was now trying to take matters into my hands because I was tired.   I was tired of the prejudice that single unwed mothers have to endure. I was tired of discovering that some of my married relatives find me a threat because I am a single mum, I was tired of getting the evil, suspicious  eye from the married women when I greet both them and their husbands, I was tired of getting passes from married Christian men  especially one who  I have known and looked up to as a brother since I was a child, I was tired of being looked at by the young single Christian guys as someone they can mess around with and have casual sex with while they wait for their dream women. . I was tired of having my friendliness misconstrued by single men as a sign that I am a nymphomaniac and therefore subjected to receiving vulgar and obscene jokes and pictures from them and sometimes I am just too mortified to even respond and set them straight.   I was tired of never having enough money to provide for my daughter and continuously having to swallow my pride and ask for help from friends and family.  I was tired of never having the right answer to my daughters’ question about her daddy and I was tired of feeling my heart ache when I watch her call any male person she meets and likes “ daddy”.   I was just tired of being passed over and disqualified for ministry all because I am a single mum.   I was tired of being condemned for a moral failure which happened two years ago and which God has not only forgiven me but also NO LONGER REMEMBERS!!!!!!!!!

So I thought maybe if get married,   then married family members, and women in the Church with adulterous husbands will no longer treat me like a threat or suspect. I thought maybe my evident gifting and anointing will no longer be ignored and maybe I will get speaking platforms once they hear or see the title Mrs and a double barrel surname. I thought that being a married woman is the only way the young single man can see me as the woman of God that I am called be because all they seem to see in me is this lust ridden single mother who can date any and everything male in a pair of trousers.

So I was trying to go about it my way, since God seemed rather silent in the marriage area. My own futile attempts to make marriage happen have since been fruitless to date. So back to the song, rewind....
 I realised that I needed to surrender all the needs and concerns that I expected to be met by marriage to God.   As I lay down in worship to God and surrendered. I was filled with this tenacity and courage to just run with the mandate God has given me to go and preach the good news, heal the broken heart and to set the captives free in the name of Jesus Christ. 

I remembered vividly the vision that the Lord gave me on the 31^st of December 2009 where He showed me a glimpse of where He was taking me in ministry . In the vision I was ministering all over the world and the one instance I recall that in the vision  I made an an Altar Call and I was praying for the women and there was an old Hispanic Woman who I began to lay hands on and pray for. 

I have arrived at the place of surrender where  the desire to go to nations and minister and write for Lord  outweighs the desire to get married by far.   I told God that if I never get married, its not gonna stop me from running with the purpose He created me for.   I also told  God that if its indeed His will for me to  get married then that He prepare the man and pre-warn the man who wants to marry me,  that the call on my life will require me to travel to the nations and thus I will not always be available to bake apple pies, do the laundry and help the kids with their homework.  When I am available I will do whatever a wife and mother is required to do but the call on my life also has its demands on me that I must take the gospel to the nations. That I must minister to the Europeans and Americans and the Asians and wherever God wants me to GO..and so I have surrendered all......my heart, my talents and skills, my gifting and anointing, my hopes, dreams and ambitions and my problems and prejudice issues... ........I laid them all before the King of Kings.

Here I am
Down on my knees again
Surrendering all
Surrendering all

Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
Desperate for You

I surrender

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more
[x2]

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

I surrender
I surrender
I wanna know You more
I wanna know You more
[x2]